Christmas Songs That Ain’t.

Every year around this time we are bombarded by lame Christmas songs and if that wasn’t bad enough some of them have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all.

There is no Merry Christmas, no wise men following a star, nothing religious, not even a Happy Holidays or a Happy  New Years.

So ,why aren’t these tunes considered winter songs? Well, think about it, that sounds damn stupid! That is why!

Below is a list of four different “Christmas”songs that ain’t and my grinchy sarcastic commentary on the songs.

1. Let it snow. (Why? Just why?)

There is nothing in this song about Christmas just a couple who can’t seem to say goodbye to each other while the idiots let their fire die in a snowstorm. How are they going to pop that corn on a dead fire? Why’d they bring that up right before they needed to go home, anyway? I hope he doesn’t have to far to go because despite all that huggin’ and kissin’ unless he is just right down the street chances are he is not going to be warm all the way home.

2. Walking in a Winter Wonderland (What is so wonderful about it?)

Seeing a pattern? All these goofy songs are about snow or winter NOT Christmas. I that this heard this song was written about Michigan. I have lived in Michigan my whole life and winters here are not what I would call “wonderful”. Perhaps some people, somewhere like digging out of snow drifts, dealing with freezing rain, and all those other “wonderful” winter things. Anyway, there is nothing about Christmas in this Christmas song. Just another couple of idiots who think a snowman ,if they christen him Parson Brown, can marry them. I don’t think that would be a legal union even in Michigan.

3. It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter (Groans..audibly)

May I make the case that it is NOT a marshmallow world in the winter? You just try sticking any of the wet white stuff in your cocoa. I guarantee it will not taste like a marshmallow. This song does not only have nothing to do with Christmas ,it is plain stupid. Have you ever seen a sun shining “red” like a pumpkin’s head? Pumpkins are orange, okay? Pumpkins do not have heads.I rest my case.

4.Jingle Bells (Yes, I know..we have all been tricked into thinking this is some kind of essential Christmas song, well…it ain’t)

Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble out there, but this song, despite what you have been lead to believe, makes no mention of anything Christmasy. There is snow, there is a sleigh, and there is jingling bells. But, there is not one mention of a Happy Holiday, Santa, reindeer, Christmas trees, lights, or stars. It is just a song about lunatics laughing and singing in freezing cold weather whilst taking a sleigh ride.

Any Christmas songs you love? Hate? Don’t think should be classified as a Christmas song?

It is Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas… Grumble!!


It is November, not December.

It is still Autumn not Winter.

It is almost Thanksgiving not Christmas.

So why am I wearing a hat,scarf, mittens, heavy coat, and boots?

Because I live in Michigan…that is why!

Isn’t it bad enough that they are playing Christmas movies on The Hallmark Channel already?

Enough that Christmas music is floating through every one of our department stores speakers?

Enough that the decorations and other Christmasy things have been on display since October?

Did we really need the snow? Grumbles….

How do you feel about wintry weather? Are you loving it? Or are you like me who says: “Bah…humbug!”

I am the Invisible Man

It is almost Halloween. One of my favorite Halloween movies is the old black and white classic The Invisible Man.

So, I thought why not a parody?

What do you mean I should have had a better thought?

I am the invisible man (Tune to I am an Innocent Man by Billy Joel)

Some people think they have heard someone at the door
But they see no one when they open it up
They hear a voice and scream in fright
They faint as I just pass them by

Some people live in fear of my touch
And the fear of what I will do
I am demented and just having fun
They never know where I will hide

You should know you cannot protect yourself
I know you will not be able to help yourself
I want to hurt you
Because I’m messed up
I will sneak behind
I am in denial that I am a nut
I am not above kicking your butt
I will make you lose your faith if I can
I want to make you run till you feel old
You won’t see me; damn I am bold
I really want to just see you cry
Because, I am the invisible man
I am the invisible man
Oh, yes, I am

Some people don’t believe what they can’t see
They never hear my footsteps in the dark
Once they meet me they remember it well
Hearing evil laughter they never heard before

Some people don’t lock their doors at night
Instead of locking themselves up tight
I find it very easy to hurt what I hate
I have no mind anymore

I know you are scared of what I say
I know you really want me to go away
But I will find you and you will not survive
I have no intentions of keeping you alive
And I am not above striking again
I know that I am the master of survival
I will be cruel and I know you understand

I always run away from the light
Still I think I will always win
Although it is possible I will lose
I am the invisible man
I am the invisible man
Oh yes I am
The invisible man

I always hurt people and do it out of spite
I will be the terror of your nights
I am an assassin
I am so low
Everybody knows
There is no chance once I take off my gloves
The shirt off my back, my pants and stuff
That is when my mayhem begins

I was hoping for a miracle cure
I could not leave the world as it is
Now I am maniac who watches you die
Because I am the invisible man

I am the invisible man
Oh yes I am
The invisible man

Here is Billy Joel and the real version:

Rate Me-Damnit!


No matter where you go on social media you have some young lady without much self-confidence or brains asking you to rate her photos.  Of course other self-absorbed asses are going to rate her pics high and she knows it. Pretty much an exercise of futility, but that doesn’t stop them.

I am not young and I am not really old. I am in that in between time called middle-age. (When we deny we are old)

Perhaps, I am having another midlife crisis and hopefully it will be just as short as the last one was. But, damnit! I want attention!

Below I am asking you to rate my pics and be nice. (Unless , your comments are really funny)

Rate my hair:




Rate my bug-eyed stare:




Rate my  face:

hypmotized Rae



Rate my foot:



Rate the body…







So there you have it, how do you rate? And is my hair ever going to not look crazy?

No Zit!

My apologies in advance for this post, not because it contains anything offensive, just because it is damn stupid.

You may have noticed the swear word in the above sentence, if not you may need glasses.

I have been trying not to swear as much and so, I have been thinking of alternative words. But, I find that “dang” or “shoot” are just too boring and they don’t convey that special zing that the real cuss words do.

One night being exhausted and sleep deprived my mind came up with a replacement for the Shi* word. Zits. That is right, zits. It was hilarious when I was in my sleep deprived state, but seems a little stupid now that I am fully awake, but that was not enough to stop this ridiculous post, sorry.

So, to get you started I have listed below 6 common phrases that usually contain that nasty old “S” word replaced by the friendlier to the ears “Z” word. I have also provided examples on whom and how to use them. You’re welcome.

1. Exasperated father to idiot teenage son: “What is the matter with you; do you have zits for brains?”

2. Co-worker to the witch at the office: “You really think you are hot zits, don’t you?’

3. Wife to idiot husband, “I really do believe you could not tell zits from shinola!”

4. Dermatologist to unruly patient: “I think I have had enough zits out of you for one day!”

5. Lady to the jerk at the bar, “You can wipe that zit –eating grin off your face, mister!”

6. Parents dumfounded reaction to the dumb ass thing their teenager just got done uttering: “Really? No zit!”

If you read all these, you only have yourself to blame as I warned you. So do you have any replacement cuss words you use? I hope your zit is a darn site better than what I came up with!


I think there should be a new holiday!
A more convenient holiday!
One main holiday, so there is no longer any need to fix 3 or more special dinners! Get it all done on one day!
Since the stores have already put up all the Halloween decorations by September, why not?
No longer would you have to keep taking down decorations to put up more seasonal decor!
A little tweaking and combining of the old traditions and you would have it:
No need to buy new decorations, just combine your old stuff!
Just put turkeys and pumpkins along with your traditional decorations on that Hallothankmas tree!
Carve a pumpkin with a Santa face.
Dress up that holiday turkey with red and green stuffing!
With a little tweaking your favorite Christmas songs can be revised to reflect the new holiday as well.
Songs like: “Grandma got ran over by a zombie”, “Have a holly jolly Hallothankmas!” or “I heard the vampire turkeys on Hallothankmus day!”

No matter what season you may be reading this  in :

I want to wish you a merry Hallothankmus!

Think it is good idea? Bad idea? Dumb idea? Leave a comment don’t be shy!

Guest Post: BATMAN

WARSAW, POLAND - MAY 22: Facebook has over 10 million Polish users. May 22, 2013 in Warsaw, Poland. - stock photo

I found this message , on FB , from my brother Oliver:

“Hey, in honor of Batman’s 75th anniversary I wrote a parody!”

Since, I am taking a break ( I warned you about guest posts) I thought, great I’ll use it! That and he might get mad at me if I don’t post it. :(

Actually, I think it is very clever and so with that here it is:

CIRCA MAY 2014 - BERLIN: the logo of the superhero comic figure "Batman". - stock photo

BATMAN(original TAXMAN by The Beatles, Written by George Harrison)
Let me tell you how it will be, Gotham will be crime free!
Cause, I’m the Batman!
Yeaah, I’m the BAATMAAN!

CIRCA MAY 2014 - BERLIN: the logo of the superhero comic figure "Batman". - stock photo
No crimes too big or too small, Put a signal in the sky & give me a call!
Cause I’m the Batman!Yeaah, I’m the BAATMAAN!

Bangkok,Thailand - May 05, 2014: DC Comic Batman figure Toy. There are plastic toy sold as part of the McDonald's Happy meals. - stock photo
I’m dressed as if for trick or treat, In the Justice League I hold a seat,
On the rooftops, the Commish I meet, In the Batmobile I patrol the streets… BATMAAAN! Cause I’m the Batman!
Yeaah, I’m the BAATMAAN!

NEW YORK, NY - JUNE 24, 2014:  Batman character in Times Square, greets people and poses for pictures with locals and tourists. - stock photo
Don’t ask me who I do it for.
(Batman has his reasons!)Be thankful I’m not at your door!
(Batman cleans the Street ) Cause, I’m the Batman!
Yeaah, I’m the BAATMAAN!

CANNES - MAY 12: Art painting on the wall of the main Bus Station in Cannes on May 12, 2008 in Cannes, France. The city is a busy tourist destination and host of the annual Cannes Film Festival. - stock photo
A message for the clown prince of crime, (BAATMAAN!)
I will catch you every time! (BAATMAAN!)
Cause, I’m the Batman!
Yeaah, I’m the BAATMAAN!
And no one protects Gotham But, me… (solo, fade out) (BAATMAAN!)

Have you ever met a family of parody writers before? Ever write a parody? Are you Batman?

And for reference in case you have been living under a rock and don’t know who The Beatles are: