Mr. Petergrass Gets His.

Some of my favorite posts are my snippets of bad, but until I posted my 3rd set of them, they did not get much in the way of responses.
Not getting any kind of response has never stopped me before and it won’t stop me now.
I have picked my favorite snippet and  have expanded it.
Why? Because I wanted to, why else?

So, below is my snippet, writing so bad it is good…. (Don’t try and figure that out-it could cause irreversible brain damage.)

 

THE VICTORIAN NOVEL (Taken from the very first snippet posting)

The fashion Of 1897- Vintage engraved illustration - "La mode illustree" by Firmin-Didot et Cie in 1897 France - stock vector
It was well understood that Mr. Petergrass was a cad. His mother knew it; of course she did, how could she not?
His father knew it, himself being a cad, it was only natural that his only son would take after him and be a cad, too.
His sister knew it, she despised him for it, how could she not, being a sad, shy, and sickly creature always so meek and mild.
A sensible creature, was she, who never spoke a word to anyone unless formally addressed, and then only in a barely audible whisper.
Penelope or Pep, as they called her, was the darling of the family.

portrait of young sentimental lovely dreamy woman. vintage picture ca. 1910 - stock photo
Mr.Petergrass had strange ideas, radical ideas, strange radical ideas.
It wasn’t enough that he was already a cad, he now was a liberal cad as well!
He actually believed Women should have the vote!
“What nonsense!” said his Father.
Pep had just stared at her brother wide-eyed in disbelief as he tried to explain his unusual radical ideas.
It was then Father asked the vulnerable Pep to leave the room in order to have a talk with his son.

Sepia portrait of man reading the book. Intentional 1900's style expression emulation. - stock photo
“A radical sir, you are a radical, never will I permit such a radical in my house!” shouted his father!
“But, Father”, said Mr.Petergrass, “Women are every bit as smart as men, why should they not have the vote, sir?”
“You are mistaken, sir”, said his red-faced father, “and I kindly ask that you leave these premises for good! I will not abide radical talk in this house! Do you hear me, sir?”
“No doubt the whole neighborhood has heard you, sir!”
And with that Mr.Petergrass stormed out of the house.

USA - COLORADO - CIRCA 1895 A vintage cabinet card photo of a gentleman holding a fedora hat. He is sitting in a chair while holding a book. Photo from the Victorian era. CIRCA 1895 - stock photo
Now, Pep had heard the whole sordid conversation, due to the fact that she had the habit of listening in at keyholes.
She chided herself; she should be embroidering that cushion for her Aunty Hilberry, but listening in on others conversations always proved so much more useful.
She heard her father leave the drawing-room, go to the cellar to get a bottle of wine, and then return to the parlor.
She quickly jumped up and resumed her embroidery, smiling warmly up at her father, as he entered the room.

Ornamental round lace pattern. Background for celebrations, holidays, sewing, arts, crafts, scrapbooks, setting table, cake decorating. Lace doily. - stock vector
He stopped and patted her on the head.
“No worrying about this one,” he thought, “always knows her place, always so meek and mild, so much like her mother.”
“Where was that woman anyway?” Petergrass Sr. thought to himself.
“Pep”, he started, he loved the way she looked up at him, so startled when anyone addressed her, what a fair delicate creature!


“Y…e..s, Father”, she whispered.
“Do, you know where your mother is gotten off to?”
“Y…e…s, Father.”
“Well confound it girl, where is she?” he snapped, losing his patience.
“In the cellar”, came her barely audible reply.
“But, I was just in the cellar and she was not there.”
“Oh yes she is.”, contradicted Penelope for the first time in her life.
“I tell you she is not there!”
“Oh! But she is father. I will go and show you, father. But, you must go first, because I am afraid of the mice.”

Vector drawing/Mice/Vector drawing, easy to edit layers, easy to edit grouped objects, No meshes no gradients used, each mouse is isolated and grouped easy to edit - stock vector
“Alright then, Pep honey”, he said his tone softening.
He lit a candle and started down the cellar steps.
He never felt the fatal blow to the back of his head.
The next day Mr.Petergrass came back to make amends with his father, but when he stepped in to the parlor only Pep was there doing her blasted embroidery.
“Hey, Pep, where is Father?”
“Oh, he is in the cellar, let me show you….”

 

Ever met someone who was not what they seemed? Ever meet a homicidal nut case like Pep?

American Fast Food

You did it again didn’t you?

Did what?

Don’t play coy, with me, Missy! You couldn’t think of anything intelligent to write so you wrote another one!

Another what? You know you are not being very clear today!

You, know very well what I mean, you wrote another lame parody! 

No, the lame parody will be the next week!

GRRRR!!

 

 

American Fast Food (To the tune of American Woman by the Guess Who)

American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…

 

Fat man with a big belly. Diet. - stock photo

Say: A
Say: M
Say: E
Say: R
Say: I
C
Say: A
N, Mm

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American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Uh, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…

UH!

A group of friendly Fast Food meals - stock vector
American Fast Food, it put the weight on me
American Fast Food, my shoes I cannot see
If I eat at KFC once more
I won’t be able to get through that door
I ate so much McDonalds it is true
That I can no longer tie my own shoes

Kid with untied shoes on the green grass - stock photo
Now, BK, I said stay away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop it today

 London, United Kingdom - October 1, 2013: The logo of the fast food chain "Burger King", London.  - stock photo

 

American Fast Food put the weight on me
American Fast Food, there is too much cheese
When ever I come through the Taco Bell door
I promise that I won’t come back no more

beef tacos, tex-mex mexican food - stock photo
I can’t tell ,exactly, what shape I am anymore
Now, BK, I said stay away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop it today

 

American Fast Food, gotta stay away
American Fast Food, gonna put me in my grave
I am getting so big, I can’t get through the door
I can hear creaking and groaning when I walk the floors

Donut with Pink and Yellow  isolated on a White Background - stock photo
I went to the gym and used the machines
Across the street a Dunkin Doughnuts I see
Sprinkles and frosting can hypnotize
I just have to give the strawberry eclair a try

Hands of a little girl  ready to eat a big hamburger. concept photo - stock photo
Fast Food, gotta get away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop today

Go, gotta stay away, gotta stay away

Now, go,go,go
I’m gonna leave them fries
Gonna leave these dives

cartoon man calling - stock vector

 

Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 22: Ronald McDonalds character rides on float at the 86th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on November 22, 2012 in New York City. - stock photo

You’ve been no good for me
I’m sick off you
Gonna look Ronald right in the eye
Telling that clown what I’m gonna do
Gonna throw out all those nasty fries

French fries - flying fried potatoes, fastfood - stock photo
Yes, I am gonna go
My fat clothes, behind me, I’ll leave
To the gym I am gonna go
I won’t need these shakes no more
I’m gonna leave American Fast Food
Throw that hamburger on the floor…

 

And Now for the song that inspired such genius:

Weird Old News-Mike.

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This is a series I am starting -Weird Old News.

Today, I bring you the story of Mike.

Mike was a chicken…no, not a scardy- cat, but a real live chicken!

Nothing remarkable in that I can hear you sneer sarcastically.

He had no head.

I don’t think the person shouting out, “Neither do you lady” is at all funny, so knock it off! No, not my head, wise-ass!

It is true , Mike lived 4 years without a head. He became something of a celebrity. He was even featured in Life Magazine.

The owners started displaying him to make some quick chicken feed. This was in the 1940′s when people had nothing better to do than to go pay someone to see a headless chicken strut his stuff.

He never let not having a head get him down. He strutted around and tried to peck at the ground for food and do other chickeny things.  They fed him through his esophagus with an eyedropper.

There was some controversy over him, some people starting writing to henpeck the couple and accuse them of cruelty.

I know that without proof there is no believing. So, just sit back and listen to the tale of Mike the Headless Chicken.

As an extra bonus? I bring you a tune about Mike by some real weirdos, cool ain’t it?

 

Mr. Jekyll and Mr.Hide

Closeup portrait of funny looking guy, skeptical male, suspicious, cocky, sarcastic business man celebrity like, arms crossed isolated on white background. Human face expressions, attitude, emotions - stock photo

I met a person on a social web site, doesn’t matter which one.

He seemed nice at first, nice, funny, witty, and intelligent.

Then after almost a year his real personality emerged; he was a jerk.

How’d I miss that ?  I Blame Algebra. I tend to blame that for a lot these days.

When he was called out on his jerkiness, he did what all bullies do, he ran and hid.

Like all good cowards do.

So, goodbye Mr. Hide, I don’t need you in my life.

 

Have you made any changes to your life? Have you met a Mr. Hide?

 

Complaining About Complaining.

 

Do you complain? Well, of course you do, we all do. 

Now don’t go saying you don’t. If you protest that you never complain, then you are complaining about people who complain. It’s a Paradox, don’t try and figure it out ,your head might explode, just believe me when I say everyone complains. 

Sure there are people who have a lot more to complain about than I do. 

People with chronic illness, people who are homeless, and those poor souls who can’t afford luxury items such as beef. 

But not having much to complain about rarely stops me, what can I say? I am great at complaining.  It is my one true talent, that and the writing thing.

This weeks complaints so far are :

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 1.The cat has finally taken over.

 2.It snowed again! @#*!!@#*!!

 3.I failed my Algebra quiz! And am left with the knowledge that, all though, I will never use this stuff again in my life it is necessary for me to graduate. 

4. I burned the homemade pizza last night. 

 5. It snowed again!!#@@*@#!!

6. I have a library fine of .20 cents. Yeah, twenty-cents and they still felt it necessary to inform me. 

7. I keep waking up with dry mouth, because the furnace is still continually on, because it snowed again!!@#*!!@#*@!!

8. My hair has gone back to its natural color.

9.The exercise  machine that broke has been replaced and so, now I have no more excuses!

 10.Did I mention it snowed again? @#*!!@*#!!

 

 

Admiral Ackbar…

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Not another one of these! Please don’t tell me it’s a parody with a Star Wars theme!

Okay, I won’t tell you.

It is, isn’t it? I knew it!

Yes, and I cannot even take full credit, my little brother,Oliver, gave me the idea.

What is it with that family of yours?

I don’t have that kind of time!

Admiral Ackbar (To the tune of Rock the Casbah as sung by The Clash)

MADRID - MARCH 28: Darth Vader. Star Wars exhibition during the presentation of the new Star Wars game for Kinect XBOX 360 at the Sports Palace on March 28, 2012 in Madrid, Spain.         Stock Photo - 14340593

Now, Darth Vader told his fleet officers..

We got to win this thing

Make sure to get that kid in the X-Wing

The rebels do not know the truth

The Death Star that is fully operational

It is gonna be sensational

We’ll give them no time to be retreating

The whole rebel army defeating

Star Wars : Sci-fi corridor leading to light Stock Photo

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

cartoon - bam (Comic bam explosion) Stock Photo - 19317079

By order of the Emperor

There is going to be a fight

Admiral Ackbar is gonna throw in every ship in sight

He’s got the lobster looks…

A fishy smell you cannot disguise

A fleet of raggedy spaceships

And a very fishy eye..

He’ gonna fight them to the death

But, the emperor has got a surprise

The Death Star rumor was a lie…

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Now, back to the battle

The Empire thinks that it will win

Rebels they ain’t licked yet

They are gonna come out alive

And the Empire is gonna take a dive

Admrial Ackbar will be victorious

Yes, those rebels will survive

And then they’ll all dance and jive

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 2007: A stamp printed by United States, shows Star Wars, Emperor Palpatine, circa 2007 - stock photo

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

blue and gold abstract explosion - stock photo

Well Ackbar told the pilots

You, really earned your pay

By knocking out the Death Star

You really saved the day

Then they all had a big party

Now that the Emperor is outta here

Ewoks are a dancing

Round a big bonfire down there

As soon as the evil empire

Was outta of Akbar’s way

The whole outfit yelled, “Hurray!”

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 2007: A Used Postage Stamp printed in the United States, showing an X Wing Star Fighter from the Star Wars Films, circa 2007 - stock photo

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Spoken: He looks just like a lobster

A Fishy sorta guy

You know the Emperor just hates him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Now the real song: