American Fast Food

You did it again didn’t you?

Did what?

Don’t play coy, with me, Missy! You couldn’t think of anything intelligent to write so you wrote another one!

Another what? You know you are not being very clear today!

You, know very well what I mean, you wrote another lame parody! 

No, the lame parody will be the next week!

GRRRR!!

 

 

American Fast Food (To the tune of American Woman by the Guess Who)

American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…

 

Fat man with a big belly. Diet. - stock photo

Say: A
Say: M
Say: E
Say: R
Say: I
C
Say: A
N, Mm

collection of fast food image - stock photo
American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Mm, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…
Uh, American Fast Food, gonna mess up you waistline…

UH!

A group of friendly Fast Food meals - stock vector
American Fast Food, it put the weight on me
American Fast Food, my shoes I cannot see
If I eat at KFC once more
I won’t be able to get through that door
I ate so much McDonalds it is true
That I can no longer tie my own shoes

Kid with untied shoes on the green grass - stock photo
Now, BK, I said stay away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop it today

 London, United Kingdom - October 1, 2013: The logo of the fast food chain "Burger King", London.  - stock photo

 

American Fast Food put the weight on me
American Fast Food, there is too much cheese
When ever I come through the Taco Bell door
I promise that I won’t come back no more

beef tacos, tex-mex mexican food - stock photo
I can’t tell ,exactly, what shape I am anymore
Now, BK, I said stay away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop it today

 

American Fast Food, gotta stay away
American Fast Food, gonna put me in my grave
I am getting so big, I can’t get through the door
I can hear creaking and groaning when I walk the floors

Donut with Pink and Yellow  isolated on a White Background - stock photo
I went to the gym and used the machines
Across the street a Dunkin Doughnuts I see
Sprinkles and frosting can hypnotize
I just have to give the strawberry eclair a try

Hands of a little girl  ready to eat a big hamburger. concept photo - stock photo
Fast Food, gotta get away
American Fast Food, I gotta stop today

Go, gotta stay away, gotta stay away

Now, go,go,go
I’m gonna leave them fries
Gonna leave these dives

cartoon man calling - stock vector

 

Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye
Bye-bye

NEW YORK - NOVEMBER 22: Ronald McDonalds character rides on float at the 86th Annual Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade on November 22, 2012 in New York City. - stock photo

You’ve been no good for me
I’m sick off you
Gonna look Ronald right in the eye
Telling that clown what I’m gonna do
Gonna throw out all those nasty fries

French fries - flying fried potatoes, fastfood - stock photo
Yes, I am gonna go
My fat clothes, behind me, I’ll leave
To the gym I am gonna go
I won’t need these shakes no more
I’m gonna leave American Fast Food
Throw that hamburger on the floor…

 

And Now for the song that inspired such genius:

Weird Old News-Mike.

abstract old newspaper vintage background - stock vector

This is a series I am starting -Weird Old News.

Today, I bring you the story of Mike.

Mike was a chicken…no, not a scardy- cat, but a real live chicken!

Nothing remarkable in that I can hear you sneer sarcastically.

He had no head.

I don’t think the person shouting out, “Neither do you lady” is at all funny, so knock it off! No, not my head, wise-ass!

It is true , Mike lived 4 years without a head. He became something of a celebrity. He was even featured in Life Magazine.

The owners started displaying him to make some quick chicken feed. This was in the 1940′s when people had nothing better to do than to go pay someone to see a headless chicken strut his stuff.

He never let not having a head get him down. He strutted around and tried to peck at the ground for food and do other chickeny things.  They fed him through his esophagus with an eyedropper.

There was some controversy over him, some people starting writing to henpeck the couple and accuse them of cruelty.

I know that without proof there is no believing. So, just sit back and listen to the tale of Mike the Headless Chicken.

As an extra bonus? I bring you a tune about Mike by some real weirdos, cool ain’t it?

 

Mr. Jekyll and Mr.Hide

Closeup portrait of funny looking guy, skeptical male, suspicious, cocky, sarcastic business man celebrity like, arms crossed isolated on white background. Human face expressions, attitude, emotions - stock photo

I met a person on a social web site, doesn’t matter which one.

He seemed nice at first, nice, funny, witty, and intelligent.

Then after almost a year his real personality emerged; he was a jerk.

How’d I miss that ?  I Blame Algebra. I tend to blame that for a lot these days.

When he was called out on his jerkiness, he did what all bullies do, he ran and hid.

Like all good cowards do.

So, goodbye Mr. Hide, I don’t need you in my life.

 

Have you made any changes to your life? Have you met a Mr. Hide?

 

Complaining About Complaining.

 

Do you complain? Well, of course you do, we all do. 

Now don’t go saying you don’t. If you protest that you never complain, then you are complaining about people who complain. It’s a Paradox, don’t try and figure it out ,your head might explode, just believe me when I say everyone complains. 

Sure there are people who have a lot more to complain about than I do. 

People with chronic illness, people who are homeless, and those poor souls who can’t afford luxury items such as beef. 

But not having much to complain about rarely stops me, what can I say? I am great at complaining.  It is my one true talent, that and the writing thing.

This weeks complaints so far are :

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 1.The cat has finally taken over.

 2.It snowed again! @#*!!@#*!!

 3.I failed my Algebra quiz! And am left with the knowledge that, all though, I will never use this stuff again in my life it is necessary for me to graduate. 

4. I burned the homemade pizza last night. 

 5. It snowed again!!#@@*@#!!

6. I have a library fine of .20 cents. Yeah, twenty-cents and they still felt it necessary to inform me. 

7. I keep waking up with dry mouth, because the furnace is still continually on, because it snowed again!!@#*!!@#*@!!

8. My hair has gone back to its natural color.

9.The exercise  machine that broke has been replaced and so, now I have no more excuses!

 10.Did I mention it snowed again? @#*!!@*#!!

 

 

Admiral Ackbar…

zooming through space - stock photo

Not another one of these! Please don’t tell me it’s a parody with a Star Wars theme!

Okay, I won’t tell you.

It is, isn’t it? I knew it!

Yes, and I cannot even take full credit, my little brother,Oliver, gave me the idea.

What is it with that family of yours?

I don’t have that kind of time!

Admiral Ackbar (To the tune of Rock the Casbah as sung by The Clash)

MADRID - MARCH 28: Darth Vader. Star Wars exhibition during the presentation of the new Star Wars game for Kinect XBOX 360 at the Sports Palace on March 28, 2012 in Madrid, Spain.         Stock Photo - 14340593

Now, Darth Vader told his fleet officers..

We got to win this thing

Make sure to get that kid in the X-Wing

The rebels do not know the truth

The Death Star that is fully operational

It is gonna be sensational

We’ll give them no time to be retreating

The whole rebel army defeating

Star Wars : Sci-fi corridor leading to light Stock Photo

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

cartoon - bam (Comic bam explosion) Stock Photo - 19317079

By order of the Emperor

There is going to be a fight

Admiral Ackbar is gonna throw in every ship in sight

He’s got the lobster looks…

A fishy smell you cannot disguise

A fleet of raggedy spaceships

And a very fishy eye..

He’ gonna fight them to the death

But, the emperor has got a surprise

The Death Star rumor was a lie…

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Now, back to the battle

The Empire thinks that it will win

Rebels they ain’t licked yet

They are gonna come out alive

And the Empire is gonna take a dive

Admrial Ackbar will be victorious

Yes, those rebels will survive

And then they’ll all dance and jive

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 2007: A stamp printed by United States, shows Star Wars, Emperor Palpatine, circa 2007 - stock photo

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

blue and gold abstract explosion - stock photo

Well Ackbar told the pilots

You, really earned your pay

By knocking out the Death Star

You really saved the day

Then they all had a big party

Now that the Emperor is outta here

Ewoks are a dancing

Round a big bonfire down there

As soon as the evil empire

Was outta of Akbar’s way

The whole outfit yelled, “Hurray!”

UNITED STATES - CIRCA 2007: A Used Postage Stamp printed in the United States, showing an X Wing Star Fighter from the Star Wars Films, circa 2007 - stock photo

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Spoken: He looks just like a lobster

A Fishy sorta guy

You know the Emperor just hates him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

The Emperor don’t like him

Admiral Ackbar

Admiral Ackbar

Now the real song:

How to Be an Ass Without Even Trying.

To be good at something you have to practice, and being an ass is no exception, if you want to be a really good ass.

But what if you are lazy? What if you don’t really want to try too hard?

Well don’t be upset, you can do it with my easy lessons on “How to Be an Ass Without Even Trying.”

Just follow the 5 suggestions below and you will see just how easy it is to achieve full assedness.

1.When you are not invited out with a member of your social circle, but another mutual friend is, go with the first petty thoughts that pop into your head. In no time you will be posting argumentative responses on Facebook making  yourself look like an ass.

2. Assume that anything negative posted on Facebook/Twitter must be aimed at you personally. Take offense and retaliate by naming names and taring the supposed offender to shreds. This will make you a first class ass.

3. When someone may have slighted you, do not take the high road, do not assume the best, and whatever you do, don’t let the matter drop. Make a big fuss over the supposed slight and tell everyone you know all about it, several times. This will make you not only an ass, but an annoying one to boot!

4. When a crisis hits, make it all about you. Share your suffering at the misfortune one’s suffering with anyone who will listen, and then chase down the ones who won’t. Create drama and don’t forget to evoke number 3 into this one as well, it works great.  This will make you both an annoying ass and a selfish ass.

5.  When something good happens to someone else, only pretend to be happy for them, say, “Congratulations” and then  steer the conversation to  include something negative about the achievement. Okay, this one is a little trickier, so I will give an example. Let’s say cousin Bert, despite being middle-aged and having a slight paunch, has completed the Boston Marathon. After the congratulation, start talking about how you heard about another man his age who had run a marathon and had dropped dead of a heart attack several weeks later. This way you will be an inconsiderate jealous ass. If you want to be even more of an ass you can try bragging about your own accomplishments, or your children, make sure you point out how yours are so much greater.

And there you have it, 5 easy ways to be an ass. Are you an inspiring ass? Know an asses that fit the list?