Santa Needs a Brand New Bag

Santa Claus with a bag full of presents - stock photo

 

Santa Needs a Brand New Bag (Tune to Poppa’s Got a Brand New Bag by James Brown)

3d rendered illustration of elves - stock photo

Come here elves…Santa’s in the sleigh
His old bag ripped…about time for a brand new thing
It gets too heavy to drag
Santa needs a brand new bag

Santa on Sleigh and His Reindeers Isolated on White Background - stock vector

Come here reindeer…and look at this old thing
It is not longer fancy…ripped along the seam
It is looking might sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

Vintage mechanical monkey with toy cymbals showing teeth, full body isolated on white - stock photo

Santa ain’t no jerk…
On Christmas Eve his is gonna fly…
Don’t play the creep; he knows when you’re asleep
He may bring you a stuffed monkey or a Mr. Potato, Jump back up the chimney and see you later.

 

Come here Mrs. C.
This bag done its last fling
It no longer is new
So, make me a new one babe;
This one is so sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

little kids with christmas hats isolated in white - stock photo

Oh, children! Santa ain’t no jerk!
Elves…all he do is work!
His old bag is about to burst…like this!
On Christmas Eve he’ll fly at night
That thing…coming apart at the seams
Ho! Ho!…come on..
Ho! Ho!.come on
Ho! Ho…it is just not right…no new bag in sight…
Come on. Ho! Ho!

 

And here is Mr. Brown:

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Three of the Worstest Ever Kids Christmas Songs

Yes I know what you are thinking: Not this again!

But, it has become a tradition on my blog and I don’t usually stand in the way of tradition, unless I want to. I don’t wanna. So you’ll just have to live with it.

All 3 are in the Country and Western style and two of them are daddy themed.
All of them stink!
1. The Christmas Bell by Conway Twitty

Despite the positive reviews of the  enlightened YouTube crowd, I still cringe anytime I have had the  misfortune of hearing this ditty.

First of all everyone knows it was Rudolph not a Ding-a-Ling bell that guided Santa’s sleigh and saved the day during that snowstorm so, who does this upstart with the annoying voice think he’s foolin’?

I suppose, to some the voice of the bell sounds cute to me it sounds like someone who has spent time in isolation forced to watch children’s cartoons his whole life and now has a warped sense of what a child’s voice actually sound like.

2. Santa looked a lot Like Daddy by Buck Owens

This song makes” I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” seem like a work of art in comparison.

Instead of telling a real story of some kind this song, just keeps repeating the same idiotic phrases empathizing how skinny Santa is, how Daddy and Santa looked alike, and how Mamma must of let him in.

By the third time I want say, “Yeah, Kid I get it, shut the hell up now, please.” Okay, I probably wouldn’t say please.

3. Daddy Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas by Alan Jackson

The title screams : Don’t bother, this is gonna be bad and it doesn’t disappoint.

Things might be, I don’t know, a little more out in the open with the hillbilly clans and someone might have thought that writing a Christmas song about a  child and their drunk daddy was a good idea?

I think it is an attempt on the old heartstrings, because  let’s face it no one wants to see Mamma cry or daddy fall drunk underneath the Christmas tree.

Perhaps I am wrong, but Christmas is suppose to be a time of joy and I don’t really feel the joy  in the repeating of Daddy please don’t get drunk this Christmas?

The Everybody sing line (spoken) confused me? It is such a happy jolly little chorus(That is sarcasm for the dimwitted among us) that you want to repeat it for the 4th time with help from those you tortured who were just forced to listen to this song?

Any Christmas ditties you think should be banned for all eternity?

 

I See a Discount Sale and I Want it to be Black.

Woman with shopping bags on white - stock photo

One year I lamented because there was no Turkey carols, so I wrote one.
And since no new ideas have presented themselves to me this year I thought why not write another parody?

What do you mean I should have had a better thought?

This one is actually about the day after Thanksgiving; known to my family as the day after Thanksgiving, but to some better known as Black Friday.

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black. (Tune to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones)

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black
I am gonna shop and shop until I have a heart attack
I see all the piles of new and fancy clothes
I have to push someone out of the way, but that’s the way it goes

I see a long, long line outside the city mall
I will have to keep my place and damn them all
I want to save that 15% so woe to those who get in my way
It sure is crazy to stay camped out here all day

I really should think of something better to do
But, all I can think about is getting brand new shoes
Maybe I am a greedy witch who cannot face the facts
It’s just that I go crazy when all the sales are black

I will take all my green to buy something new
Something nice for me and something nice for you
I will keep on shopping until the setting sun
I will laugh when I have the other shoppers outrun

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black
I am gonna shop and shop until I have a heart attack
I see all the piles of new and fancy clothes
I have to push someone out of the way, but that’s the way it goes

I want all the Fridays to be black, until everything is sold
I want to get those bargains before the other guy
I want them all black, black, black, yea

Here is the groovy real version:

Not Quite Suess 2

A Long time ago I posted the first not quite Seuss poem.
Today I bring another one entitled:

It is hard to give when it is all that you do.

A Vector Cute Cartoon Red Angry Face - stock vector
It is hard to give when it is all you do
You soon forget you need things too
It is hard at times when you live
In a world that takes and won’t give
You want to be selfish; you want to be mean
You are so tired of the things that you’ve seen
Where no one is grateful and all they do is complain
When you try so hard to be kind, but others like to send rain
You say to yourself enough is enough!
I have had with all this bad natured stuff!
So, you shut yourself down and you go hide
But, after awhile you feel like you’ve died
It is not your way to live a life of hate
And for you to change into that is much, much too late
You may be deceived; people may say you’re not wise
But, it is impossible, now, not to be a nice guy
Yes, we’ve heard it before how nice guys are last
Of how being a selfish jerk is such a blast
Perhaps that is so, but I think it’s not
Do that too long and your soul starts to rot
So, though giving cost much and being kind can backfire
I will still shun the low road and keep taking the higher
The only difference that ever will be
Is that I will also take time to be nice to me.

The Butthurt Form

I was scrolling one day past all the daily drama that is Facebook when my eyes beheld it:

The Butthurt Form!

I thought to myself, “Well, that is humorous!”

My mind working, like it usually does, did not just stop with that initial reaction.

No, I started to think.

If you knew me well, you’d know how dangerous that can be.

My brain got to wondering what type of person would fill out this type of form and why?

That is what lead to this blog post and is what is going to, most likely, give you a brain ache to go with any butthurt you may have experienced earlier this week by being on Facebook too much.

Moaning Cousin Joan

Date of Hurtfulness: 10/13/2015 Time: 12:05 a.m.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it ( ) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

(X) Yes ( ) No
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes ( ) No (X) Not Sure

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply)

( ) I am an idiot ( ) I’m better than everybody else

(X) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned ( ) It wasn’t my joke

( ) I am a bitch ( ) Nobody liked my selfies today

(X) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

(X) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

I am of the opinion that everything that happens to me is a much greater tragedy than if it happens to someone else. Nobody could have it as bad as I do, not even refugees or the starving masses. When I break a nail it really hurts and nobody gives a damn about me!
Donna the Defeated Diva


Date of Hurtfulness: 10/20/15 Time: 2:05 P.M.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it ( ) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

(X) Yes, several ( ) No
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes (X) No ( ) Not Sure

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply) 

( ) I am an idiot (X) I’m better than everybody else

( ) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned ( ) It wasn’t my joke

(X) I am a bitch (X) Nobody liked my selfies today

( ) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

( ) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

Besides the post that said I was full of myself and got me so upset…several people ignored me today, I can take a lot, but when you don’t get one like on your selfies, that is just too much for me! From now on, when I come on Facebook, I expect applause and an acceptance and affirmation of every thing I post or say. Failure to do so will cause my inner bitch to come out and demand the apology I think you owe me!
Stan Stan the angry man.

Date of Hurtfulness: 10/23/15 Time: 10:00 a.m.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it (X) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

( ) Yes (X) No, I am a man! I don’t cry you moron!
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Not Sure X Never!

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply) 

(X ) I am an idiot ( ) I’m better than everybody else

( ) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned (X) it wasn’t my joke

( ) I am a bitch ( ) Nobody liked my selfies today

( ) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

(X) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

People know I hate everybody, so why do they insist on posting shit I don’t like?!

Have you been butthurt lately? Need a tissue?

Well Hello Polly!

happy lady in flowersI am turning into a bit of a Pollyanna…I am so damnit!
Okay, possibly not that much…
But, what I have learned, from the many hurts I have had over the last few years, may seem a bit pollyannish to you on-the-edge badass types.
What have I learned?
You can take what has hurt you and learn from it, you can choose to be kind in an unkind world, and you can do all that is possible on your side to be happy.
Then again, you could play the glad game:

I would not recommend it, but you could if you are feeling particularly sappy.

Has life taught you anything new? Are you happy? Do you play the glad game?

Make Her Stay up All Night.

Pointing Baby Girl (Vector) - stock vector
My granddaughter is cuter than this.

A new little girl came into the world on August 12th at 8:21 a.m.

The cutest baby in the world!

Yep, you guessed it, I am a grandma now!

I wish I could give you photographic evidence to prove she is indeed the world’s most beautiful baby, but I do not have permission from the parents.

You’ll just have to take my word for it. 

I plan on being the world’s most hip grandma. (I already blew that by using the word “hip” didn’t I?)

I have already played her The Talking Heads:

She liked it, I could tell.

Next will be The Clash:

 The Police:

And my corruption of her tiny mind will not end there….there will be Weird AL:

If that last one doesn’t do it nothing will. Mwahahaha……………………

 

What is new in your world?