Existing and Gratitude

“How rare and beautiful it is to even exist.” -A Sleep at Last by Saturn-
The chances of existing are slim.
Two people have to meet, fall in love, or let’s just face it get amorous at the right time; then a seed gets planted and if allowed to grow it becomes you.
It is a rare and beautiful thing to exist to come into being.
It is sad sometimes this little person has to be treated to abuse, neglect, heartaches, etc…
But, that is not what I want to dwell on, because this post is about gratitude, not misery.
I am grateful to have had a chance to have existed how beautiful it is to have met the people I have.
To have experienced love, laughter, tears, sorrows, and joys.
To have become a mom and then a grandma.
To forgive those who have hurt me.
To love them still, though they may never know or believe it.
I refuse to be ashamed of loving, even those who later took advantage or did not want my love any longer.
The beauty was in the loving not what came after.
It is a strange and mysterious the way life changes when you get older and realize most of life is just bluffing your way through it trying to feel important and the real beauty is in the moment and just existing in it.

No Mourners

I wrote this poem right before I divorced after 20+ years of marriage. 


No Mourners 

No mourners
No scared texts
No hymns
For a marriage
That died a long time ago
We kept the corpse
Would not let go
Afraid of a misery we did not know

The air was stifling
As it rotted
I tried my best
To carry on
As if the corpse
Wasn’t there
Just kept on
Covering it with flowers

The time came at last
Only bones left
And even then
I hesitated
Said a prayer
That no one heard
And so it ended

“To Thine Own Self Be True”-Hamlet

happy lady in flowers

I am grateful today for getting back on track.
I lost a lot to depression and am coming back to a lot of things I dropped the ball on while struggling with my own selfworth.

I am writing on my blog again after almost two year absence from it.

I wonder why I stopped?
I love writing.

I am Zumba-ing once again and I am really enjoying it.

Working on eating better, just need to tune out the bacon that keeps calls my name…

I finding the joy in little things like music, laughter, and just being more aware of things around me, and not being in my own head so much.

My discovery is : that it is not the doing that stops me, it is the thinking about the doing.
Once, I get started, things get a rhythm and it is easier to stay committed.

I truly am starting to be grateful for every moment of my life.

The Silly Redhead

No Princess for me, thank you.

Athena with sword

Some women want to be princesses, I don’t.
Princess just sit around all day waiting for someone to rescue them.
You have to kiss frogs.
You get cursed and chased by old hags.
The prince’s only job besides rescuing you and kissing you awake is to stand there and smile a dopey smile.

Goddesses on the other hand have real power!
They turn men who displease them into frogs!
They banish bitches from their court.
And they are worshiped 24/7 by men who wait on them hand and foot.

If your going to pick a fantasy ladies, pick the right one!  😉


Just a bit of silliness from a  crazy chick…



I have come to the conclusion that no one can fully understand me, my pain, my sorrows, my insecurities, and so forth and so on…

I think it is a mistake to expect people to do that.

Hell, we don’t even fully understand ourselves do we?

I am not saying I should not reach out for help.

But, I have to be ready to hear solutions and take advice and to not think I’m so different/special that nothing that works for the vast majority would ever work for me.

I’m not implying  I should  let people bully me, either.

Some people’s idea of giving advice is to try and bully people into doing things their way, this is hardly helpful.

It is really up to me what advice or counsel  I heed or disregard.

I struggle with many things, so I get that life is very hard and when you couple that with depression or any other type of mental illness it is even harder.

But, I know in my own mind, that it is really up to me to change and not for others to change me.

It is not that easy and if it was then it would not be that big of a problem.

But, I reject the idea I  cannot change and embrace all those cha…cha…changes I need to make.

Have you been facing some cha…cha…changes? How is it going?



I am Grateful for Every Moment

I plan on making this a weekly post. 
As the New Year began to approach I thought it important to look for things to be grateful for and so I started writing a Grateful /Discovery journal.
Since I struggle with depression it seemed like a way to seek out some positive aspects of life and to try and discover myself a bit more.
This piece falls on the discovery side written as a poem.
I am grateful for the lessons, discoveries, and pure moments of joy this live has to offer.
“There is a candle in every soul
Some brightly burning, some dark and cold…
Carry your candle, run to the darkness…
Hold out your candle for all to see it…
Take your candle, and go light your world ”
– Chris Rice-
Candle without a flame
I have been like a candle without a flame
Cold and dark
Unable to see
Wrapped up in darkness
Unable to shineBut, if you’ll give me
Another chance to share
I’ll hold out my candle
Humble and asking
For your light to ignite mine

I have shut myself up
Afraid of the dark
Much more so of the light
Living in twilight
A solitary soul

We cannot receive what we will not share
So if you light my candle
I will pass that light on
Hurting and wounded as I may be
I will choose to shine

So, have you made any new discoveries? 

Have something you are grateful for?

Who are you…who …who?


I debated if I wanted to return to blogging or not?

It has only been about 2 years since I last posted.

Boy, time gets away from you don’t it?

I guess I could have come back earlier….

After all  I  am divorced , depressed, broke, and miserable.

Who wouldn’t want to read about that?

Yeah, that was sarcasm.

Sure I will keep trying…

You don’t have to be such a jerk about it!

I gave up twittering .

I tried to go back, but I just found the layout confusing now.

I would love to say “Hey, I got my shit together!”

But, that is only 1/4 % true. ( I took a survey, don’t doubt me) 

I am starting  counselling Thursday, perhaps I can raise the shit level…

Wait, that sounded really wrong…

At least I have kept my humor?

Listen, jerk, you are getting on my nerves now.

Anyway, this new blog is just one big happy, sad, manic blog.

I am just going to write.

Some stuff is going to funny, some is gonna be sad, and some is gonna be what it is….

Yes, this is one of the last kind….   :/