Know it All Niece, Ant Hills, Chewing Tobacco, and Old Beer.

I have been amusing myself by writing down some memories of my childhood and thought, dear readers, that I would share some of them with you.  I hope you enjoy them

 


I had a niece who was and still is only 8 months younger than me, despite her younger age however, she had a great head for details, that I did not and she would tell me things that I would scoff at and then later find out were real scientific provable facts and I was indeed very silly and very wrong in my imaginative, but somewhat deranged beliefs.

I hated that I was always wrong and that she liked to show me up and show off my ignorance.

My only revenge at the time was step on the one hundred and fifty thousand (slight exaggeration) ant hills in our very long dirt driveway.

My niece, you see, wanted us all to live in peace and harmony with our ant neighbors and she had a fit when anyone would step on an ant hill declaring in her superior way, “How’d you like if a giant ant stepped on your house?”

I was pretty sure that giant ants did not exist, but with my track record thought it was none to wise to bring that up in case some grown-up could come along and prove me wrong for the ten thousand times in a row.

In stead, whenever I caught her eye, I did a stomp, stomp on the anthill and evilly chuckled to myself.
She was, as well, a goader and I her dimwitted victim.

Not sure how old we were, but once when we were playing in my dad’s car (not really allowed) we found a pouch of chewing tobacco with the words: Cool Mint Flavor on the packaging.

My niece convinced me to try some as mint tasted good, which seemed logical, I had mint flavored candy before and it was tasty.

I never stopped to wonder why she was urging me to try the crap and not chomping down on that “cool mint flavor” herself.

I took a big chunk of the stuff and swallowed. I coughed, turned green, had tears running down my eyes, and had my niece in a panic thinking she killed me. I survived somehow.
The other main incident (Sure, there were others, but I must have blocked them out of my mind) involved a can of beer.

We caught the bus at the end of a very long dirt road (I guess I should explain she lived with us at that time) that ran by the house.

There was a pretty deep ditch, that was dried up and one day we spotted a beer can in it. The beer can was swollen like it was impregnated with a little Ale. (Okay, sorry, that was bad)

Anyway, my niece convinced me to poke it with a stick, why? I have no idea why she suggested it or why I ended up poking it, what I do know is I got showered in old beer.

I went to school smelling like a brewery rather than face the wrath of my mother which I thought would be the greater of the two evils.

I am sure they could smell the beer on me, I could. I often wonder what the school thought about our family and the girl who stunk of old beer.

Welcome Back and “F” You!

Angry man yelling at his computer - stock photo

After a month without internet service and a couple of months without blogging much, I come back to my blog to find a long, angry, and ranting reply by a man I will call “Steven”
Why Steven, you ask?
Because, that is how he signed his name, that is why.
Seems Stevie (hope he doesn’t mind me referring to him as Stevie? Actually who cares?) and I do not share the same taste in music.
It seems little Stevie got upset with my posting about the really bad pop songs of my youth.
He was especially upset about my reference to the You Spin Me Right Round Song.
He thought that sufficient enough reason to tell me to “F” off.
News Flash! Steve ol’ boy you don’t have to agree with me…many people don’t…idiots.
However, if you do not play nice, I will and I have removed your rather rude remarks off my site.
Perhaps, had Steven seen fit to disagree politely and be civil I may have read the rest of his rather long winded reply and gave it some credit.

Cell Phones, Interviews, and the Real Me.

Mobile phone connection technology concept on white background - stock vector

People say you should just be who you are.
I have made a commitment to be who I am, unfortunately, that person is incredibly silly and a bit nettled- headed for all her supposed “smarts”.
I seem to have a lot of problems with cell phones, for example.
I use to forget I even had one and let it die in the bottom of one of the scariest places on earth, the bottom of my purse.
Once, I was in a panic because I misplaced it, where had I missed placed it you asked?
In my hand…yep, you heard that right.
Just like the man who stood yelling at everyone in his house to help him find his glasses only to find them on top of his head. And I am sure I have done that as well.
I washed about 3 cell phones in a row, in the machine, because I forgot they were in the pocket of my jeans.
I told you, already, about the grooving and moving down a hallway where I did not notice that pesky but perfectly visible to the sane security camera.

Silly broad no way you are getting this job.

During that same week we lost power at the one sister’s house I was staying at.
I had to move for one night to the other sisters’, because I had a job interview the next day and needed a shower.
An hour before that interview I noticed a big tare in the shoulder of the dress I had packed to wear.
In a panic I drove to the clothing store and bought a whole new outfit, ran back to the apartment, got myself together, and managed to make it to the interview on time.
Only one slight problem with that scenario….I was a week early…yep…smooth.
I did make the interviewer laugh by reminding him he did say to be early.
Oy! vey! It isn’t easy being me! ;)

Caught in the Groove

Girl dancing with headphones, illustration - stock vector

I am living with my sister now,  my finances got pretty bad.

It is a hotel suite, which isn’t bad, but as you can imagine is a bit cramped.

But, that is not the real story and it isn’t that funny, either. ;)

I have been getting up early to roam the hallways, to jog up the stairs, and take care of some restlessness.

I am pretty quiet about it and the hotel is in a small town that is not very busy, so I am not disturbing anyone.

Today, I decided that I would plug my earphones into the portable device I have with me to listen to some music while I did my daily round about.

The top third floor is not occupied, so I thought why not groove a bit while I wandered the hallway?

I was having a great time. On my third trip up, I spotted it…the surveillance camera. :/

Boring Post

Yeah, I don’t post much these days.

What do you mean you have not noticed?

I have been kinda blue and fairly lazy.

Who cares?  Well…I’m sure somebody, somewhere does, possibly.

It is hard to rant these days, even in a insane way and even harder to muse bizarrely.

Yeah, I agree, that last sentence was rather bizarre.

I work, eat, exercise, watch TV, sleep, repeat most days. Yeah I’m living the dream.

No, I wouldn’t call it a nightmare, just boring as hell.

I leave you with a clip of someone more boring than me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know it is hard to believe but here is the proof:

There are 3 parts to this speech, but if you make it all the way to the end of this first one you are probably more boring than either of us.

Please note I am not endorsing either religion or atheism , it is just a boring speech ….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Options for Dealing with the Difficult

If you are like me and who isn’t?
Who just shouted out “normal people ,that is who”?
You may get annoyed when that certain know-it-all-but –really –knows-nothing -person, tries to run your life for you.
Never mind they have been married six times and all five ex-wives are suing for back alimony or child support. (Exaggerated example, explaining for the humorless)
Never mind that she has had 5 relationships in the past month.
No, they still know best about what you should be doing and they ain’t afraid to tell you.
So, what should you do?
You could try these different strategies:

Image result for Free to use clip art of a woman in disguise
A. Avoid them at all costs even to the point of pretending you don’t see them at the next family get together or other social functions. (Difficult, but be creative by wearing an eye patch and baseball cap and mumbling when they approach you with, “And just who in the hell are you? “ Of course if they find you out, then you are screwed)


B. Tell them to go to that hot place in the crudest language you can think of. (Sure, you may alienate your mom, dad, siblings, or mutual friends, but being alone forever is worth it, isn’t it?)


C. Grin and Bear it, then get a big stick and bash their head in. ( Besides a repeat of the consequences for option B, jail may be in your future, but you would have a lot of time away from the one annoying you)


D. Put on your big girl panties or big boy briefs and tell them that you are okay and that you know they mean well, (a lie, most likely), but you are doing fine. (Sure this option sucks, but it is the only one were you don’t end up looking like an ass, going to jail, or alienating your whole family or circle of friends)

So, which option are you choosing? Have one of your own?

My Favorite Scenes (Guest Post)

Is this another parody?

Yes,but this time my brother, Oliver wrote it.

So, it is about Star Wars, I suppose?

Why, so it is.

I am seeing a pattern if you write it there is  a 50/50 percent chance it will be a Beatles tune and if your brother writes it is will be about Star Wars?

Pretty much sums it up….

And with that I bring you:

Image result for Free to use clip art millenium falcon

My Favorite Scenes(original My Favorite Things by Rogers & Hammerstein)

Snow flakes on Hoth & whiskers on Chewie
Use the force Luke & the Death Star’s Ka-blewie
Luke staring at the sunsets on Tatooine
These are a few of my favorite scenes

Obi-Wan disappearing as a lightsaber slashes
Han frozen in carbonite & downward he crashes
Leia telling Tarkin they’re on Dantooine
These are a few of my favorite scenes

The Max Rebo Band featuring Sny Snoodles
Artoo communicating with whistles & tootles
Alderaan destroyed by a laser beam
These are a few of my favorite scenes

When the Empire strikes!
Racing speeder bikes!
When Luke loses his hand!
But, I think my most favorite scene Is the Cantina Band!

When the Empire strikes!
Racing speeder bikes!
When Luke loses his hand!
But, I think my most favorite scene Is the Cantina Band!

So, there you have it another parody by my wittle brother Oliver…give him some love in the comment below.

And in case you never heard the real song here is Julie Andrews as Maria in The Sound of Music to sing My Favorite Things: