Posted in The insane rants

Exhausted

Not another one!

Yes, but this one doesn’t have anything to do with the Beatles or Star Wars.

Well, that is a plus, anyway. What will you be mocking today?

Pit Bull and Zumba!

Pit bulls that Zumba?

Just read the parody!

I’m Feeling so Exhausted (Tune to: “Exotic” by Pitbull)

 

I need to cool down

I’m feeling so exhausted

Zumbaing right now

Flashes hotter than subtropics

I hope I don’t fall down (I’m old)

Trying to keep up, let’s go (Pant)

Help me not to need a hypo

(Dizzy now)

I’m feeling so exhausted

 

I’m like the dough boy

Feeling more dead then alive

But I better get with it

And just work through the pain

I’ll be more dead then alive

But, that’s okay; totally into it

Every breath feels like it’s my last

But, how else to get rid of this ass?

Unless I zumba every day

Thunder thighs are not funny

Crash

 

I may look rather pitiful

Dancing for all to see

But if I want less of me

I‘ll shake it for all to see

Pant..pa..pa..pant

I need to cool down

I’m feeling so exhausted

Zumbaing right now

Flashes hotter than subtopics

I hope I don’t fall down

Trying to keep up, let’s go

Help me not to need a hypo

I’m feeling so exhausted

Dizzy girl

I’m feeling so exhausted

 

Not sure how much farther I can go

But I’ll give it my best shot, for sure

I may stop just for a minute

Lay down on the floor and grab a pillow

Got water by the boat loads

Hurt my tootsies, right knee, and ear lobe

From hurt, to pain, to hospital

No more excuses, cop-outs so I said yes

This routine made me a liar

The whole thing makes me want to retire

Misunderstood and damn tired

It’s a fact my muscles are on fire

 

I may look rather pitiful

Dancing for all to see

But if I want less of me

I‘ll shake it for all to see

Pant..pa..pa..pant

 

I need to cool down

I’m feeling so exhausted

Zumbaing right now

Flashes hotter than subtropics

I hope I don’t fall down

Trying to keep up, let’s go

Help me not to need a hypo

I’m feeling so exhausted

Dizzy girl

Feeling so exhausted

 

I need to cool down

I’m feeling so exhausted

Zumbaing right now

Flashes hotter than subtropics

I hope I don’t fall down

Trying to keep up, let’s go

Help me not to need a hypo

I’m feeling so exhausted

Dizzy girl

Feeling so exhausted

Now here is the real version:

So how are you feeling? Not exhausted I hope.

 

 

 

Posted in The insane rants

Hell No!

I wrote another parody.

Why? Did I hear you ask?

Because it is my blog and I can, why else?

“Hell No” to the tune of “Hello” By Lionel Richice

I’ve avoided you a million times
And always me you find
Telling me about your funky dreams, until I want to cry
Run away and hide
I don’t want to see you
Hanging around my door
Hell no!
You are not who I’m looking for


I can see strangeness in your eyes
A psychopathic smile
I have a feeling you are wanted
Somewhere in this countryside
I cannot understand a thing you say
You scare me in what you do
And I want to get away from you

Hell no to you

I long to get you out of here
And yell at you time and time again
How much you scare
Sometimes I feel like lying low
Hell no!
I just want you to go


Because I wonder what the hell you are
Why you do the things you do
Can’t you go somewhere you Looney?
Is the law after you?
Tell me how to get away so far
I just gotta get away from you
Let me start by saying goodbye to you
Hell no!
You are not what I’m looking for!
Because I wonder what the hell you are
Why you do the things you do
Can’t you go somewhere you Looney?
Is the law after you?
Tell me how to get away far
I just gotta get away from you

Now here is the real saner version:

Is there something you are trying to avoid? Just say, “Hell no.

 

 

Posted in The insane rants

I Am Too a Lady, Damnit!

Everyone knows that Facebook tests are the most accurate and reliable source to find out  how this or that you are.
No, I am not on acid, why do you ask?
Recently, I took the: How lady-like are you test.
I failed at least I think I did?
Those folks on Facebook like to positive spin everything, but I know the truth, if you are trying to find out how lady-like you are then the aim of the test is to get 100% lady-like.
This is what I did get:
“You are one of the guys”
“OK, so you are not the classiest lady, but you are all fun.
Your friends are never bored with you around and it is your job to teach those girly girls to learn how to loosen up a bit”
Up to this point, I really thought I was lady-like?
I love make-up, shoes, and prefer a dress or skirt to jeans or slacks. I have tried to be gentle and kind most of my life.
I will admit , however, to having a sarcastic sense of humor at times, that I have been known to swear some, and I on occasion been known to say something inappropriate.
I am glad Facebook makes these test up or I would forever be deluded into thinking I was pretty damn lady-like.

Have you taken a Facebook test? Happy with the results?

Posted in The insane rants

Santa Needs a Brand New Bag

Santa Claus with a bag full of presents - stock photo

 

Santa Needs a Brand New Bag (Tune to Poppa’s Got a Brand New Bag by James Brown)

3d rendered illustration of elves - stock photo

Come here elves…Santa’s in the sleigh
His old bag ripped…about time for a brand new thing
It gets too heavy to drag
Santa needs a brand new bag

Santa on Sleigh and His Reindeers Isolated on White Background - stock vector

Come here reindeer…and look at this old thing
It is not longer fancy…ripped along the seam
It is looking might sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

Vintage mechanical monkey with toy cymbals showing teeth, full body isolated on white - stock photo

Santa ain’t no jerk…
On Christmas Eve his is gonna fly…
Don’t play the creep; he knows when you’re asleep
He may bring you a stuffed monkey or a Mr. Potato, Jump back up the chimney and see you later.

 

Come here Mrs. C.
This bag done its last fling
It no longer is new
So, make me a new one babe;
This one is so sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

little kids with christmas hats isolated in white - stock photo

Oh, children! Santa ain’t no jerk!
Elves…all he do is work!
His old bag is about to burst…like this!
On Christmas Eve he’ll fly at night
That thing…coming apart at the seams
Ho! Ho!…come on..
Ho! Ho!.come on
Ho! Ho…it is just not right…no new bag in sight…
Come on. Ho! Ho!

 

And here is Mr. Brown:

Posted in The insane rants

Three of the Worstest Ever Kids Christmas Songs

Yes I know what you are thinking: Not this again!

But, it has become a tradition on my blog and I don’t usually stand in the way of tradition, unless I want to. I don’t wanna. So you’ll just have to live with it.

All 3 are in the Country and Western style and two of them are daddy themed.
All of them stink!
1. The Christmas Bell by Conway Twitty

Despite the positive reviews of the  enlightened YouTube crowd, I still cringe anytime I have had the  misfortune of hearing this ditty.

First of all everyone knows it was Rudolph not a Ding-a-Ling bell that guided Santa’s sleigh and saved the day during that snowstorm so, who does this upstart with the annoying voice think he’s foolin’?

I suppose, to some the voice of the bell sounds cute to me it sounds like someone who has spent time in isolation forced to watch children’s cartoons his whole life and now has a warped sense of what a child’s voice actually sound like.

2. Santa looked a lot Like Daddy by Buck Owens

This song makes” I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” seem like a work of art in comparison.

Instead of telling a real story of some kind this song, just keeps repeating the same idiotic phrases empathizing how skinny Santa is, how Daddy and Santa looked alike, and how Mamma must of let him in.

By the third time I want say, “Yeah, Kid I get it, shut the hell up now, please.” Okay, I probably wouldn’t say please.

3. Daddy Don’t Get Drunk this Christmas by Alan Jackson

The title screams : Don’t bother, this is gonna be bad and it doesn’t disappoint.

Things might be, I don’t know, a little more out in the open with the hillbilly clans and someone might have thought that writing a Christmas song about a  child and their drunk daddy was a good idea?

I think it is an attempt on the old heartstrings, because  let’s face it no one wants to see Mamma cry or daddy fall drunk underneath the Christmas tree.

Perhaps I am wrong, but Christmas is suppose to be a time of joy and I don’t really feel the joy  in the repeating of Daddy please don’t get drunk this Christmas?

The Everybody sing line (spoken) confused me? It is such a happy jolly little chorus(That is sarcasm for the dimwitted among us) that you want to repeat it for the 4th time with help from those you tortured who were just forced to listen to this song?

Any Christmas ditties you think should be banned for all eternity?

 

Posted in The insane rants

I See a Discount Sale and I Want it to be Black.

Woman with shopping bags on white - stock photo

One year I lamented because there was no Turkey carols, so I wrote one.
And since no new ideas have presented themselves to me this year I thought why not write another parody?

What do you mean I should have had a better thought?

This one is actually about the day after Thanksgiving; known to my family as the day after Thanksgiving, but to some better known as Black Friday.

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black. (Tune to Paint it Black by the Rolling Stones)

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black
I am gonna shop and shop until I have a heart attack
I see all the piles of new and fancy clothes
I have to push someone out of the way, but that’s the way it goes

I see a long, long line outside the city mall
I will have to keep my place and damn them all
I want to save that 15% so woe to those who get in my way
It sure is crazy to stay camped out here all day

I really should think of something better to do
But, all I can think about is getting brand new shoes
Maybe I am a greedy witch who cannot face the facts
It’s just that I go crazy when all the sales are black

I will take all my green to buy something new
Something nice for me and something nice for you
I will keep on shopping until the setting sun
I will laugh when I have the other shoppers outrun

I see a discount sale and I wanted it to be Black
I am gonna shop and shop until I have a heart attack
I see all the piles of new and fancy clothes
I have to push someone out of the way, but that’s the way it goes

I want all the Fridays to be black, until everything is sold
I want to get those bargains before the other guy
I want them all black, black, black, yea

Here is the groovy real version:

Posted in The insane rants

The Butthurt Form

I was scrolling one day past all the daily drama that is Facebook when my eyes beheld it:

The Butthurt Form!

I thought to myself, “Well, that is humorous!”

My mind working, like it usually does, did not just stop with that initial reaction.

No, I started to think.

If you knew me well, you’d know how dangerous that can be.

My brain got to wondering what type of person would fill out this type of form and why?

That is what lead to this blog post and is what is going to, most likely, give you a brain ache to go with any butthurt you may have experienced earlier this week by being on Facebook too much.

Moaning Cousin Joan

Date of Hurtfulness: 10/13/2015 Time: 12:05 a.m.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it ( ) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

(X) Yes ( ) No
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes ( ) No (X) Not Sure

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply)

( ) I am an idiot ( ) I’m better than everybody else

(X) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned ( ) It wasn’t my joke

( ) I am a bitch ( ) Nobody liked my selfies today

(X) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

(X) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

I am of the opinion that everything that happens to me is a much greater tragedy than if it happens to someone else. Nobody could have it as bad as I do, not even refugees or the starving masses. When I break a nail it really hurts and nobody gives a damn about me!
Donna the Defeated Diva


Date of Hurtfulness: 10/20/15 Time: 2:05 P.M.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it ( ) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

(X) Yes, several ( ) No
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes (X) No ( ) Not Sure

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply) 

( ) I am an idiot (X) I’m better than everybody else

( ) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned ( ) It wasn’t my joke

(X) I am a bitch (X) Nobody liked my selfies today

( ) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

( ) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

Besides the post that said I was full of myself and got me so upset…several people ignored me today, I can take a lot, but when you don’t get one like on your selfies, that is just too much for me! From now on, when I come on Facebook, I expect applause and an acceptance and affirmation of every thing I post or say. Failure to do so will cause my inner bitch to come out and demand the apology I think you owe me!
Stan Stan the angry man.

Date of Hurtfulness: 10/23/15 Time: 10:00 a.m.

What caused the Butthurt?

(X) Someone Posted it (X) Offensive Picture on Internet
Was a tissue needed for the tears?

( ) Yes (X) No, I am a man! I don’t cry you moron!
Will you be able to move past it?

( ) Yes ( ) No ( ) Not Sure X Never!

Reason for filing out the form (Check all that apply) 

(X ) I am an idiot ( ) I’m better than everybody else

( ) I am a cry baby ( ) I’m a prude

(X) I am thinned skinned (X) it wasn’t my joke

( ) I am a bitch ( ) Nobody liked my selfies today

( ) I want my Mommy! (X) Life isn’t fair!

(X) I felt picked on (X) Other (please explain below):

People know I hate everybody, so why do they insist on posting shit I don’t like?!

Have you been butthurt lately? Need a tissue?