On-Line Dating is not for Cowards.

I have a friend who recently shared with me the rambling, repetitive, and batcrap crazy reply he got below to a on-line dating profile. It was such a gem I asked if  I could use it. Let’s call the young lady in question Liz this is what she posted: (Warning it is a bit long)

“I am Fine Thanks for asking me and i was your day as well too,i hope you doing well,as for me,i am lonely and fine here.i am strange to this dating site and most people i find here and not my taste “you profile looks interesting and i will glad to know you more better.i am willing to know you and what make you special to my heart and why i wrote you is because since i saw you ,i like you and i am interested in knowing you.i want to know about you,Your background,your Family,your life experience.your past relationship,your job,your goals and dreams,your interest, your personality and anything you feel like telling and i hope you can tell me all as soon as you reply my message?I will also like to learn more about your secretes that you rarely share with someone!if you like to see more of my pictures .you can drop your Email so i can send it to you….I am single never married .I am in to buying and selling of art sculptures and gold …i am 6 feet tall with an athletic body,mentally stable,physically fit,i like to launch and warm ,caring,honest ,god fearing and good listening woman and i am a positive person..

i love to cook and i like to swim,go for fishing ,listen to music and you can ask anything you like to know.i am 6 feet tall with an athletic body,mentally stable,physically fit,i like to laugh and warm ,caring,honest ,god fearing and good listening woman and i am a positive person..i love to cook and i like to swim,go for fishing ,listen to music and you can ask anything you like to know.i am interested in you and i will be glad to know you and build a special and reliable relationship of trust and honesty with you.i will be glad to get to know you better and i will be filled with substance,spirituality,quality and potential.i just can’t wait to hear back from you and also remember that distance is less important to me because i am willing to go any miles for the special on and the most important thing is true love and affection and i can give all.i am single never married and i have son..i like profile once i have a glance look at it.”

I’d like to help my friend out so he doesn’t let this amazon of a beauty get away and so I took the liberty of writing up a reply for him to use. 

Dear Liz,

You were my day? How sweet of you. Could you be my moon and my stars,too?  I am sorry to hear you are lonely, but glad you are fine.

Liz, it is okay to be strange, lots of people are. I may be a prude Liz, but I must tell you I don’t “taste” until the third date. If that is fine with you, then we can proceed.

That is exactly what I want in a women, one that wants to know me more better.  You sure want to know a lot about me. I have been married six times and have a dozen or so children ranging from the age 6 months and damnit! I forgot the other’s ages.  I am currently an unemployed battery tester. I have had 14 jobs this year alone. Damn economy!  My secret dream is to erase the Canadian American border so I can become dictator of Can-America.(That is what I plan on calling it when I have taken over)

Sorry, I don’t have any current pics, the one I used on my profile was from 1988, the last time I had hair. You can definitely send me yours though, clothing optional.

Wow! You are an artist? What is a rare gem like you doing on a dating service? With all that gold, I am a thinking you could buy a man!

It is good you are so positive, negativity is so negative. I can tell just how intelligent you are by the cute little way you construct your sentences!  I am not sure exactly what “launch and warm” means? Are you a coast guard volunteer by chance?

I usually eat all my meat raw, but, hell I am willing to compromise, since you love cooking so much.  You go swimming to catch fish in your teeth, also? Awesome!  I thought I was the only one!

Since you said I could ask anything may I ask why you are so proud of being 6 feet tall? Are you a basketball player as well as an artist and coast guard volunteer? You certainly are a busy bee!  I love a person who laughs warm and caring!  Do you stutter, not that it matters, but you seem to be repeating yourself often. A little stuttering can be so cute in a six-foot tall woman!

There is nothing more precious to me than a woman who is  “filled with substance,spirituality,quality and potential.”

The distant between us can be totally erased once I have taken over the world. Be patient, Love, and wait for me, it may be a few years until I have my minions in place for the big take-over.

Eagerly awaiting your reply my six-foot athletic amazon beauty.

Have you ever dated someone on-line? How’d it go?