To be good at something you have to practice, and being an ass is no exception, if you want to be a really good ass.
But what if you are lazy? What if you don’t really want to try too hard?
Well don’t be upset, you can do it with my easy lessons on “How to Be an Ass Without Even Trying.”
Just follow the 5 suggestions below and you will see just how easy it is to achieve full assedness.
1.When you are not invited out with a member of your social circle, but another mutual friend is, go with the first petty thoughts that pop into your head. In no time you will be posting argumentative responses on Facebook making yourself look like an ass.
2. Assume that anything negative posted on Facebook/Twitter must be aimed at you personally. Take offense and retaliate by naming names and taring the supposed offender to shreds. This will make you a first class ass.
3. When someone may have slighted you, do not take the high road, do not assume the best, and whatever you do, don’t let the matter drop. Make a big fuss over the supposed slight and tell everyone you know all about it, several times. This will make you not only an ass, but an annoying one to boot!
4. When a crisis hits, make it all about you. Share your suffering at the misfortune one’s suffering with anyone who will listen, and then chase down the ones who won’t. Create drama and don’t forget to evoke number 3 into this one as well, it works great. This will make you both an annoying ass and a selfish ass.
5. When something good happens to someone else, only pretend to be happy for them, say, “Congratulations” and then steer the conversation to include something negative about the achievement. Okay, this one is a little trickier, so I will give an example. Let’s say cousin Bert, despite being middle-aged and having a slight paunch, has completed the Boston Marathon. After the congratulation, start talking about how you heard of another man his age who had run a marathon and had dropped dead of a heart attack several weeks later. This way you will be an inconsiderate jealous ass. If you want to be even more of an ass you can try bragging about your own accomplishments, or your children, make sure you point out how yours are so much greater.
And there you have it, 5 easy ways to be an ass. Are you an inspiring ass? Know an asses that fit the list?