I got the inspiration for this post from my dentist office.
Now, inspiration and dentist visits usually do not go together.
But,the dental hygienist that handed us the new privacy form innocently said,”You, know they should put some silly crazy stuff in there to see if anyone really reads it.”
Silly? Crazy? I know silly and crazy, so my ears pricked up at that one, and I thought what a good idea! So, without further delay I bring you:
Privacy agreement for new patients of Dr. Toothacher.
We have to by law, not spread any rumors about you, nor talk about you amongst the staff (Yeah, right!) or talk to anyone else, about your rotten gums, bad breath, or the fact that it looks like you haven’t brushed your teeth in about 5 years.
We have to offer you a copy of this statement, but really isn’t it just about killing trees to have to put this stuff in writing?
We can and we will (just to play with your head) several times change this privacy agreement.
Every time we change the policy we will offer you a written copy, you tree killing, irresponsible, leaving your huge carbon foot print everywhere you go, pollution loving conservative, you.
How we will use or disclose your information.
We can send your dental information to other dentists or oral surgeons who are going try and repair the damage you have done ,by neglecting your dental visits for the last 20 years , and boy is it going to cost you!
You have to sign a form saying it is okay for us to torment you. Other wise known as treating you. And then another form to say you agree to pay us for the torture you endured.You can agree to let your relatives /friends know all about how we fixed your bucked teeth, cleaned your yellow teeth, fitted you for dentures ( cuz ya just couldn’t keep away from the sweets, could you?) , but you got to give us signed permission before we can go ahead and humiliate you.
We can give out your records to the law enforcement department ,if someone goes and knocks you off, but being dead you probably won’t care much.
You have the right to your own records, but you can’t just come in and ask, because we are busy in the torture chamber with other victims; so, you will have to make a request in writing.
Oh by the way we will charge you extra, yeah, yeah, they’re your records, but killing all those trees is expensive!
It is gonna take from 7-10 days to get those to you; I’d count on 30 days , if I was you.
You can ask us to amend your information. ( Ha! Good luck with that one!)
Oh, and the request has be made in writing.
You have the right to complain about any decision we may have made regarding your health care.
For example, last year we pulled 5 teeth from a super model’s mouth, that were not at all diseased and then the witch sued us! She never even filled out the complaint form, but went straight to a lawyer who sued our…
Well never mind, you can fill out the proper complaint form and give it back to us. We will make sure we file it in the circular file and then burn it.
Or you can submit a written complaint to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.
But, if you do, better hope you’re not scheduled for an appointment afterwards.
1234 Molar Drive
So, do you hate the dentist as much as the rest of the world? Are you a sadomasochist who thoroughly enjoys a dentist visit?