The first post “Snippets of bad” was so darn successful that I decided to write up another. Heavy sarcasm, folks
Actually I only got one reply …but will that deter me?……NO FRIGGEN’ WAY!
So,below are more snippets of writing so bad it is almost good…
The Mystery Novel.
I was sitting down to a spot of tea and a plate of biscuits, when my bumbling assistant pushed his way through the door; tripping up on the rug, upsetting the table, and making amuck of my afternoon tea.
“Crothers ,what could you possibly mean by running amuck in this fashion and upsetting my tea not to mention creating a new stain on my well worn rug?”
“Sorry, old boy! I was being chased by a very disturbing looking individual with flashy clothes, trying to get me to buy a news subscription of some sort; he had the most ghastly accent! Kept saying who when he should have said whom and was constantly saying okay.”
“Probably American from the sound of it”, answered Dr. Cluefinder
“How in the world could you possibly know that?!”, Quipped Crothers.
“His flashy clothes, his pushy manner, and of course the accent really gave it away! Really, Crothers you amaze me at times it was so obvious a grade school child could have figured it out, after all it is elementary, my dear, elementary.”
I know what you are thinking… ..gee these are so badly written that she’ll probably just copy some obscure passage from a copy of one of the million or so romance novels that come out each year….I thought about it…but I did not want anyone else taking credit for the load of crap your about to read but me!
So with out further delay…..
Amber was quivering, yes she was actually quivering with delight, Stephen was holding her next to him in his strong powerful arms stroking her long silky blond hair.
“My beautiful precious angel.”, he whispered in her ear tenderly, “ I love you more than life itself, my darling.”
Amber paused, Stephen words delighted her the words he had spoken were words that no man had ever said to her before.
It was then she spied in the mirror the cue cards tacked up on the wall directly behind her.
Slim looked out on to the horizon.
It was a perfect night for cattle rustlers, so he would have to be on his toes, although he’d always been ashamed of those ballet lessons his ma had made him take, he had to admit tonight they may come in handy.
Fats joined him at the look out point with a cup of hot coffee and a wide open grin.
“Ya see any sign of russlin’?”, he asked between bites of the greasy doughnut he was chawin’ on.
“Are you plum stupid?’, asked and an irate Slim, “ Would I just be a stiitn’ her a doin’ nothin’ if there was any russlin’ a’goin’ on?”
“No need to get yaself all in a lather about it, I was just a askin’ is all.”
“Well, You try a’standin’ on your toes for 6 hours and see how ya feel!”
The wind was blowing across the lonely moors making a supernatural sound.
Inside the cottage Molly and Paddy O’Rork had just finished hanging up the curtains, when they heard the eerie sounds coming across the moors.
Paddy pushed back the emerald green curtains and peered outside, but the fog had engulfed the moors and he could see nothing.
But, he and Molly could hear plenty; the awful sound was getting closer and closer and closer.
Molly started to scream hysterically, “ It’s the banshee, I be a’ tellin’ ye lad, she has followed us all thee way from the ol’ country!”
“Don’t be daft woman!”, said Paddy harshly.
It was the fear that made him speak so, because although Molly was a fool, he was quite found of her.
Suddenly the fog lifted in the mist they could see her in her long black dress coming ever closer and wailing the song of the dead…….