Bizarre ads on paper menus.

My husband and I ate today at a charming family dive, you know the kind that has a missing salt shaker, a half filled catchup bottle, and oh so fancy paper place mats on the table.

After ordering our food, we wondered, what to do to fill up the time between waiting for our non-edible greasy entrees and the arrival  those non-edible greasy entrees ?

Do we have a meaningful conversation?

After 20 plus years of marriage, hardly!

We spend some awkward time starting at each other  and then it hits us we can read the paper menus!

They are just chuck full of printed advertisements!

So, after reading a few  perfectly sane but boring ads I came across one for an Adult Foster care home.

I read it once and then read it again something was just not right.

Here is how the ad actually reads: (Except for the words in these things)

Maple View Adult Foster Care

“Kindly Caring for the Needs of the Elderly” (Is this a direct quote?)

.Quiet Country Setting

.Home Cooked Meals

.Cheerful Atmosphere

.Excellent View of School Playground

I wonder about the word “Kindly”-is that not to be expected?

Why not just say:  “Caring for the needs of the elderly?”

Has there been a not so favorable licensing review of late to prompt the use of the adverb “kindly?”

We do not just take care of your elderly loved ones we do it kindly, well duh?

The list of amenities seems reasonable at first glance.

Older people like a quiet  setting and the country is quieter than the city.

They like to eat same as everybody else and “home cooked meals” are certainly better than yesterday’s warmed over crap.

A cheerful atmosphere is better than an uncheerful one.

Then we come to “Excellent View of School Playground!?”

And, I think : “Quiet?”

When those little rug biters go out twice a day for recess howling like mad demons, can you really expect quiet?

 

Being elderly, they could be hard of hearing and they could turn off their hearing aides, I guess.

But, how is “Excellent View of the Playground” an amenity at a nursing home?

A disturbing picture came into mind  is this home so hard up for business that it is  advertising for elderly pedophiles?

Who else would think an “Excellent View of a School Play Ground” a make or break decision when choosing an adult care home?

Oh yeah, sonny, I want the live in the facility close to all those kiddies!

It is has an Excellent View!

Wheel me over to the fence, so I can offer those kiddies some of this candy I have had in my pocket for over a year.

Then I came a cross this ad for SLIM.

I still have no idea what this product is exactly it has something to do with weight loss.

It reads like this:

No caffeine!

No stimulants!

No Meal Replacements!

No Shakers (????)

The all natural way to lose weight!

SLIM!

The picture on the ad was not much help, either.

It consisted of a photo of  the lower part of a young women in a pair of jeans 3 sizes too large, with her thumb tugging at the waistband to show you how thin she is and to show of the fact she is not wearing any underpants.

When you lose a lot of weight, does it follow that you no longer have a need for underpants?

The shaker thing has got me stumped as well.

Are they discriminating against that religious group?

It doesn’t read No shakes it says “No Shakers”; so it is not at all clear.

We know what the product is not using our deduction skills.

It can not be coffee-no caffeine.

It can not be drugs-no stimulants.

It can’t be food-no meal replacements.

It can not be a religious sect or a beverage-no shakers.

It is all natural and its name is SLIM.

And that is all I will ever know unless I call the number listed on the paper place mat.

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I am me and nobody else. One of a kind just like the rest of the world.

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