Santa Needs a Brand New Bag

 

Santa Needs a Brand New Bag (Tune to Poppa’s Got a Brand New Bag by James Brown)

Come here elves…Santa’s in the sleigh
His old bag ripped…about time for a brand new thing
It gets too heavy to drag
Santa needs a brand new bag

Come here reindeer…and look at this old thing
It is not longer fancy…ripped along the seam
It is looking might sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

Santa ain’t no jerk…
On Christmas Eve his is gonna fly…
Don’t play the creep; he knows when you’re asleep
He may bring you a stuffed monkey or a Mr. Potato, Jump back up the chimney and see you later.

 

Come here Mrs. C.
This bag done its last fling
It no longer is new
So, make me a new one babe;
This one is so sad
Santa needs a brand new bag

Oh, children! Santa ain’t no jerk!
Elves…all he do is work!
His old bag is about to burst…like this!
On Christmas Eve he’ll fly at night
That thing…coming apart at the seams
Ho! Ho!…come on..
Ho! Ho!.come on
Ho! Ho…it is just not right…no new bag in sight…
Come on. Ho! Ho!

 

And here is Mr. Brown:

Christmas Songs That Ain’t.

Every year around this time we are bombarded by lame Christmas songs and if that wasn’t bad enough some of them have absolutely nothing to do with Christmas at all.

There is no Merry Christmas, no wise men following a star, nothing religious, not even a Happy Holidays or a Happy  New Years.

So ,why aren’t these tunes considered winter songs? Well, think about it, that sounds damn stupid! That is why!

Below is a list of four different “Christmas”songs that ain’t and my grinchy sarcastic commentary on the songs.

1. Let it snow. (Why? Just why?)

There is nothing in this song about Christmas just a couple who can’t seem to say goodbye to each other while the idiots let their fire die in a snowstorm. How are they going to pop that corn on a dead fire? Why’d they bring that up right before they needed to go home, anyway? I hope he doesn’t have to far to go because despite all that huggin’ and kissin’ unless he is just right down the street chances are he is not going to be warm all the way home.

2. Walking in a Winter Wonderland (What is so wonderful about it?)

Seeing a pattern? All these goofy songs are about snow or winter NOT Christmas. I heard this song was written about Michigan. I have lived in Michigan my whole life and winters here are not what I would call “wonderful”. Perhaps some people, somewhere like digging out of snow drifts, dealing with freezing rain, and all those other “wonderful” winter things. Anyway, there is nothing about Christmas in this Christmas song. Just another couple of idiots who think a snowman ,if they christen him Parson Brown, can marry them. I don’t think that would be a legal union even in Michigan.

3. It’s a Marshmallow World in the Winter (Groans..audibly)

May I make the case that it is NOT a marshmallow world in the winter? You just try sticking any of the wet white stuff in your cocoa. I guarantee it will not taste like a marshmallow. This song does not only have nothing to do with Christmas ,it is plain stupid. Have you ever seen a sun shining “red” like a pumpkin’s head? Pumpkins are orange, okay? Pumpkins do not have heads.I rest my case.

4.Jingle Bells (Yes, I know..we have all been tricked into thinking this is some kind of essential Christmas song, well…it ain’t)

Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble out there, but this song, despite what you have been lead to believe, makes no mention of anything Christmasy. There is snow, there is a sleigh, and there is jingling bells. But, there is not one mention of a Happy Holiday, Santa, reindeer, Christmas trees, lights, or stars. It is just a song about lunatics laughing and singing in freezing cold weather whilst taking a sleigh ride.

Any Christmas songs you love? Hate? Don’t think should be classified as a Christmas song?

It is Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas… Grumble!!

 

It is November, not December.

It is still Autumn not Winter.

It is almost Thanksgiving not Christmas.

So why am I wearing a hat,scarf, mittens, heavy coat, and boots?

Because I live in Michigan…that is why!

Isn’t it bad enough that they are playing Christmas movies on The Hallmark Channel already?

Enough that Christmas music is floating through every one of our department stores speakers?

Enough that the decorations and other Christmasy things have been on display since October?

Did we really need the snow? Grumbles….

How do you feel about wintry weather? Are you loving it? Or are you like me who says: “Bah…humbug!”

3 Annoying Christmas Pop Songs.

Remember last year?  “Well, hell”, you might be saying, “we can’t even remember much of this year.”  In that case I’d say you need to get out more. What does this have to with this post, nothing really.

Last year I wrote up a post called: Three of the Stupidest Christmas Songs, Ever.  So, this year I am changing things up and giving you 3 Annoying Christmas Pop Songs.  Yep,I’m diverse that way.

I thought this song had something to do with babies.

First on my list is “Santa Baby” sung by Eritha Kitt . I cannot tell you how much I hate this song! Well, of course I can, that is the point of the post after all. You don’t have to be so literally, geesh!

The annoying sex kitten voice is enough to drive anyone, okay women, up the wall. The greed and avarice of the whole song is enough to make Black Friday shoppers look like Mother Teresa . I will admit, under duress ,that Kitt did have nice legs, if you are into that kind of thing, and if you are a man, which Santa is, that might entice him enough to give the lady what she wants. But, the song still stinks!

This is the only rocking I want on my tree!

Second annoying song on my list is” Rocking Around the Christmas Tree” sung by Brenda Lee. This song was put on every collection of “Christmas Classics” ever produced.

Why would you rock around a Christmas tree, has anyone ever thought to ask that question, huh? Why would rocking around that tree, necessarily make it a jolly holiday? Obviously, the writers of this song  have never been around relatives that have sipped a little too much eggnog. You do not want that bunch of drunken idiots rocking around your tree.  Unless that is your method for taking the tree down for the year. If it is, than besides having some weird traditions, you must spend a fortune on replacement lights and ornaments.

The third pick is “Last Christmas” by Wham. If it is Wham it is gotta be bad.

Here is my heart, don’t give it away! *sniffle*

The whole song has a whinny feel to it. And I am not even sure it really qualifies as a Christmas song, just a song with the word Christmas thrown in there. I mean, where is the reference to Santa, or elves, or wise-men seeking a sign or a holly jolly Christmas or snow or reindeer or sleigh rides or anything at all Christmasey?  To this song I say, “Bah, Humbug!” What in the hell does that mean? How in the Dickens would I know?

Any Christmas songs on your hit list?

One Night Before Christmas.

I wrote this Parody of ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas” when I was a teenager, I hope you like it.

One Night Before Christmas.

One night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even my husband, that louse!

My stockings were hung in the bathroom with care along with a bra and two pairs of underwear.

The brats were all nestled all snug in their beds while visions of disaster raced through my head.

I with my dust mop and he in his cap,I do all the work and he takes a nap!

When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter, that I sprang from the kitchen to see what was a matter!

Away to the window I crawled like a turtle.Dang you!-Playtex Girdle!

The moon on the new fallen snow gave a vision of a junk yard with the things left below.

When what to my wondering eyes did arrive? Aunt Millie and her nine kids ! Oh, my!

With a driver so drunk and so slow, that I knew in a moment, it must be Uncle Joe!

More rapid than Olympic runners the children piled out!

And then, how they did holler and how they did shout!

“Hey stupid!” 

“Hey dummy, you stepped on my toe !”

“Hey moron!” 

“Hey reject,now where did he go?”

To the top of the porch and on down through the halls!

Please, go away! Go away! Go away, all!

As, all is quite until a tornado passes by, no obstacle known to man could tame them once they got inside!

They ran down the front hall knocking  the pictures off from the walls!

The noise that they made could have awoken the dead!

But, we eventually, corralled them and sent them to bed!

I was just about to make some tea and sit down, when I remembered the present that I had left in town!

My clothes were all tarnished with cookies and gook, but there was no time to change;I’ d have to go as I looked!

I grabbed my keys, flung my purse on my back, and I looked like a bag lady in my stocking cap!

I ran through that mall in a mad women’s fury!

But, at last I found it! The last china doll for my little Mary!

I gunned the car, I was ready to go, but wouldn’t you know? Half way home my muffler fell off in the snow.

The officer let me go, the one with the belly, I had to get home my nerves where like jelly!

I walked into the house and laid my present on the shelf, when in walked my husband, Ralph.

He just stood there shaking his head.Oh, what more did I have to dread?!

He said that the Christmas Tree lights did not work, I had told him that last year-the jerk!

Now, Christmas is over they are piling back in the car, away flew Uncle Joe to nearest bar!

But, I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,”If you made it through Christmas, then you did alright!”

I hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas!

The Itchy Christmas Song!

Christmas time! A time for joy, love, peace on earth, and another annoying parody from yours truly!

 So, no grumbling!

 After all it is the season of universal brotherhood and sisterhood.

 Just grin and bear it and if you feel like it sing the lyrics go ahead!

 

Fleas on the dog (tune to Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano)

Fleas on the dog

Fleas on the dog

Fleas on the dog on the furniture and all over me!

I wanna wish you an itchy Christmas!

I wanna wish you an itchy Christmas!

I wanna wish you an itchy Christmas from the bottom of my couch!

 (Now repeat this a hundred times or until you feel silly, whatever comes first!)

Have a great Holiday Season!

And just in case you never heard the real version.